You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
