hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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