Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
