do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
