Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize