a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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