I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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