I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize