She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
