he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I supernannyed him into submission
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize