Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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