First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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