I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
