I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
