I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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