K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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