I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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