Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
