im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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