Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
