Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
