He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize