I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Come see our sink grown plant.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
