Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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