If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
