what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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