There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
