Are we in a gay sports bar?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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