did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
