Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
