Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
