Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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