My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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