This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
