conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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