Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
