God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
