I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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