His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize