help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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