I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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