I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
