You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
