My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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