I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
