Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Found the puke drawer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
