Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
