i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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