I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
