Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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