Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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