So drunk, too bad you don't want this
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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