The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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