Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
