how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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