Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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